Check In

It has been 2 months and 9 days since we were married, and it's starting to feel really exhausting. Remember how it felt to have a school project and have a completely defunct team, and to have to complete and submit the whole project on your own? That's how this marriage feels sometimes. It's exhausting having to always cater to somebody else without receiving what you need in return. It's tough when you do your best to keep things neat, organized and on the go, and the other person is unconsciously leaving things where they shouldn't be, making messes they don't clean up, and generally expecting you to do the clean up, consciously or not.

The point is that it shouldn't be tough. I shouldn't feel that my husband does not conscientiously do things to make me happy, keep me sane, or help me out. Perhaps I'm really tired of feeling that he's starkly unreliable. I have no sense of security, or comfort, and most times when he's "trying" it feels so insincere and forced, and usually for the wrong reasons. I can't seem to rely on him to get anything done. There is always some other distraction.

I. Am. Tired.

Pray for a better tomorrow. Pray that he'll read the books he's promised to read a year ago, that I actually start to become important, that what makes me happy actually floats to the forefront of his mind.

Pray for my temper, pray for my sanity, pray for my patience to be as wide as the span of the sky.

Certainly Ivan is good man, but surely being married is so much more than just "being a good guy". It's being a team player too. Right now I feel overburdened with the loads of two. Life was certainly simpler and in comparison to the now, happier, when I was a single lady.

I wish I had this "problem".